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Literature Text
Inside my mind I knew that nothing was what it seemed to be, yet it was as it should be. The voice we all have in our heads, the subtle yet vibrant messages being sent to all of use each day, telling us what to do was now pounding in my skull. Inside my body, heart was pumping furiously, lungs working vigorously, nerves shooting down the spine like rockets, spinning out of control. I knew what I had to do, the inner voice had told me to. It would not hurt a bit it had told me. I was sitting on my bathroom floor now, the tiles a crème pale, I had remembered then my mother had wanted blue, but my father insisted upon getting the color he preferred. He was always the one in charge. My back was leaning against the white tub, my long, blonde hair tumbling down all around me, now touching the edge of it, and I began to breathe faster. It will be quick, you won’t feel a thing. I could not smell anything, inhaling and exhaling at such a speed, my senses were becoming erratic, out of focus. Vision became blurry, my lips trembling, the sound of Oh god, oh god, was all that could be heard. I was alone of course, my family was all downstairs. This was between me and my subconscious. Something has to be done. My knees brought up to my chest, were being covered tenderly with my bare arms. My skin smooth, pale, delicate stood undamaged, untouched, exposed to the world. If only they could stay that way, just for a little longer. You know that is not possible, just finish it. I can remember now looking back, remembering what I was thinking about that very moment, body shaking, eyelids pressed down, burning from the tears, sealing vision off from the inhumanity of my own self hatred, I was praying for another way out. I would be reborn, the new revolution of my own being. Hold your breath. The war would now strike out; the voice in my head had succeeded. In my mind I could in vision the battle, the voices’ sword striking out, and the blood of my innocent conscious being poured out of me. Inside my body, I finally understood what it was like to be free of my suffering. I had risen to a new light, a world of which I would keep secret, hidden for a long time. It is done. I would slowly stand up, using the tub for support and push my sleeve back down to their proper location. The sweater was a deep colored black, and covered the voice perfectly. That wasn't too bad, now was it?I was safe. I can remember opening the bathroom door, moving down the stairs, while regaining my composure. With a smile, I would meet my family and become part of them once again.
Suggested Collections
First time with self injury.
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Comments11
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My comment has to do with style, since I can't say anything for sure about realism, and the piece is short enough that I won't be going into any message or the point of reading this text. I hope something, anything, I put here can be used. What cannot be used is fit for the garbage can.
Firstly, you use a very intense style. There's no paragraphs in the text, and the sentences follow quickly and somewhat arbitrarily, sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing.
However, if you are to make the most of the style, you'll need to be more consistent with (and perhaps conscious of) it. An example:
"I can remember now looking back, remembering what I was thinking about that very moment, body shaking, eyelids pressed down, burning from the tears, sealing vision off from the inhumanity of my own self hatred, I was praying for another way out."
Up until this point, though you've been using past tense, the scene is very present in the mind of the reader. This thing is happening now, and its intensity (which you (re)create so vividly) is enhanced, and partly produced, in this way. So when you suddenly break that image by introducing the character's present writing status, you lose a lot of momentum.
If you did this on purpose (and stepping outside a stream-of-consciousness can be very useful), then you should go to a new paragraph, and yet a new one when you return to the stream.
Another point with consistency is your use of italics. These seem to point out ad verbatim thoughts, for which italics are admirably useful, especially since these are the 'antagonistic' thoughts, the ones that drive the character towards hurting herself. You use it very well. So here's a suggestion. Have the same voice point out every bit of negative psychological significance in its special tone (and with italics). E.g. "He was always the one in charge" could be rephrased into that fashion and thrown in. This keys the environment and relationships with the antagonistic thoughts, which I suppose is why you mention the father here.
By the way, I was a little disappointed that you did not describe the actual act of cutting, the blade used, the exact place, the resulting wound, etc. You can cram an awful lot of good stuff into that. I know it's not easy, but this is after all the climax of the text.
A final thought: The intense language suffers doubly from minor mistakes. Readers trip over these, and you lose momentum. You might want to weed out those you can find. (e.g. 'use' in "being sent to all of use each day").
So anyway, I hope you can use a few of my thoughts.
Firstly, you use a very intense style. There's no paragraphs in the text, and the sentences follow quickly and somewhat arbitrarily, sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing.
However, if you are to make the most of the style, you'll need to be more consistent with (and perhaps conscious of) it. An example:
"I can remember now looking back, remembering what I was thinking about that very moment, body shaking, eyelids pressed down, burning from the tears, sealing vision off from the inhumanity of my own self hatred, I was praying for another way out."
Up until this point, though you've been using past tense, the scene is very present in the mind of the reader. This thing is happening now, and its intensity (which you (re)create so vividly) is enhanced, and partly produced, in this way. So when you suddenly break that image by introducing the character's present writing status, you lose a lot of momentum.
If you did this on purpose (and stepping outside a stream-of-consciousness can be very useful), then you should go to a new paragraph, and yet a new one when you return to the stream.
Another point with consistency is your use of italics. These seem to point out ad verbatim thoughts, for which italics are admirably useful, especially since these are the 'antagonistic' thoughts, the ones that drive the character towards hurting herself. You use it very well. So here's a suggestion. Have the same voice point out every bit of negative psychological significance in its special tone (and with italics). E.g. "He was always the one in charge" could be rephrased into that fashion and thrown in. This keys the environment and relationships with the antagonistic thoughts, which I suppose is why you mention the father here.
By the way, I was a little disappointed that you did not describe the actual act of cutting, the blade used, the exact place, the resulting wound, etc. You can cram an awful lot of good stuff into that. I know it's not easy, but this is after all the climax of the text.
A final thought: The intense language suffers doubly from minor mistakes. Readers trip over these, and you lose momentum. You might want to weed out those you can find. (e.g. 'use' in "being sent to all of use each day").
So anyway, I hope you can use a few of my thoughts.